Hope

Hope. It should be the thing that brings us forward, right?

But what if hope, is also the reason why we can't stop worrying? What if it is also why we can barely focus on other thing, which actually is also important, which is also another part of our life goals.

I had hope. And I still have hope today, despite the fact that it is killing me inside. I can't stand seeing myself failing because of this hope inside me. I just can't.

Or maybe I actually can. What I can't stand is probably seeing my loved ones disappointed with my result, with my failing. I can't stand seeing them trying to cheer me up by saying something like "next year will be yours" or "it is only one of uncountable opportunities waiting for you". They encouraged me before, many of them believe I'll get my success, and... it is just so hard for me to see them treating me differently.

I sometimes worry, but never this intense. I've never been worried until I don't want to do anything except wondering about my result; did I do it right? will I succeed? what if I fail? I can't stand it. I've never been worried until I feel like a part of my life leaves me until I know if I make it.

Tomorrow will bring me answers to my questions. I really hope the result will be relieving too.

...

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I really hope I could be relieved by the answer, even if it's not like what I've expected before.